Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Sometimes I Need Him to Knock me Out

I've found myself in tears many many times over the last couple of months. Sometimes it's a stupid fight with my husband. Sometimes it's a fight with one of the girls. Sometimes it's from some other painful or joyful situation. Sometimes it's because He's knocked me over the head enough that I can finally SEE some profound truth.

Tonight it was from something profound! Ok Lord.... I think I might finally get it. I was talking with my oldest who is going to have a baby any day now and we were talking about my middle daughter and our fears for what lies ahead for her. I truly am afraid that she is going to follow a very dangerous path and I'm just not sure how to reach her.

Yesterday I came across a blog (I can't remember where) that talked about teens and sex and I realized then that I really need to be more available to her in this department and really build an open relationship with her. I was never really worried all that much about my oldest making really poor choices (yes I know, she's an unwed 19 year old but that's ok) and she's always been a lot more open about things than I am anyway. I realize that my girls are not all the same and I feel this huge gap in my relationship with my middle daughter that needs to be filled and FAST. I have a sense of urgency about it and I'm not sure if that's just because of her age and me remembering what I was doing at her age or because He has laid it on my heart that I need to make an impact fast. Either way, I'm listening.

We will begin reading His Revolutionary Love tomorrow. I've had this book for what, two months now, and keep putting it off. NO MORE! I'm going to make it a special time just for me and her and really devote myself to listening to what she has to say as we go through the book.

Also, a couple of other blogs have been put in my path the last few days that have really made me realize that I don't make the time for my girls as I should and that I really have to listen to them more.

Here is where the tears really began to fall. Something amazing has been happening! It's only happened a few times but I know it's all His doing and I didn't really notice it until I read these two blogs. I'm a night owl and I usually stay up late. The kids go to bed and I'm up on my computer or watching TV or reading until the early morning hours. There's been a couple of nights where I have gone to bed earlier. I've been in bed reading a book on my Kindle and one of the kids will come in and start talking to me. Then another kid will come in. Then the dog comes in which normally draws the other kid in! We have had a couple of really wonderful conversations just chilling on my bed and those opportunities wouldn't have been there if I was downstairs on my computer.

Now the first thought that comes to my mind is guilt over my poor choices and wanting to slap myself upside the head over all the lost opportunities. One girl is already grown and is about to have a child of her own and one is already in her teen years. I've got so many lost opportunities that I could fill a truck with them.

I can live in regret over the lost opportunities caused by my stupidity or I can make the best of future opportunities. I think I'll make the best of future opportunities to make a difference in the lives of my wonderful girls.