Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Tug of War

It was pointed out to me today that I need to stop worrying about some things in my life and just give it to Him. I have to admit that is a daily struggle for me, sometimes a by the minute struggle. I am constantly fighting for control and to be honest that was the hardest thing for me to let go of when I put my life in His hands. I remember crying with my friend Lenora about the control issue before I asked him into my life. It was 2002 and it was so very hard for me to do.

Here I sit almost 10 years later and I am still struggling with that control. It is a constant battle.

Today I feel that my life is spiraling out of control. I feel like I have NO control over anything. It is like a tug of war. I try so very hard to keep things in my hands. I make calls to try and move things along and in truth it's not that I'm trying to move things along because the Army is the Army and moves at it's own pace. I'm trying to find out information. That is a lack of trust in God's perfect plan for my life which is really the root of my control problem. It's really a lack of trust. You'd think almost 10 years later that I'd have total faith in Him but no. Some days are better than others!

Things are so bad and I feel so overwhelmed right now that I am wrestling control in the areas that I can. I stepped down as the FRG Leader for my husbands unit and no sooner had I done that then another problem presented itself. One which I REALLY have no control over. This one is a little harder to deal with though. I'm left questioning my whole life. If I had of done a better job at being a Mother, if I had of controlled my own anger better, if I had of raised her in the church, if I had of just not tried to help, if I had of modeled healthier relationships, maybe this situation wouldn't have happened. In my heart I know that all parents make mistakes and in the end it's up to our grown children to make their own choices but it's hard. I want nothing more than for my daughter to enjoy the last couple of months of her pregnancy and not have all this stress on her but I can't take it away.

We just have to all learn how to adjust to the new situation, and in doing so I am again wrestling for control in other areas. I look around my house and no matter how clean it is, it doesn't look it. I have too much stuff. I think back to simpler times when my house was clean and easy to maintain and that time was when things were meager. We didn't have a lot of money (not that we do now) and we didn't have a lot of stuff. I have a tendency to buy things more than once because I forget that I already have something. I have about three packs of envelopes. I'll NEVER use all those envelopes so why do I have them? Because I needed one and forgot I had some already. See what I mean!

I am about to REALLY purge. I have talked about cleaning and purging my belongings in the last couple of months but I really am now just tired of this clutter! I want to look around and see neatness so that is my new goal, my new area of control. I will put my need for control to good use and do become a better manager of my home!

Dang Him! I swear, every time! I was searching for an image to use. I wanted something with hands on a rope at the very least maybe even with a celestial image on the other end. I found something that took me to a site that has a sermon series called Let it Go. Think He wanted me to see that? I think so. Usually these blogs start out as one thing and they end up completly different. I was going to just write about my cluttered house but He had a much bigger subject.

Once again, He spoke to me through my blog and I hope that He uses this to touch you in some was as well!