Thursday, February 10, 2011

Childhood Mistakes

I want to write, for two days now I've really wanted to come here and write but every time I do, the words don't come or they come but they reveal too much. This won't make much sense to most but there are things happening in my family right now that have created conflicting emotions within me and I just don't know which way up and which way is down.

As a parent I want nothing more than to help my daughter who is having such a hard time right now. I really want to help her learn the right way and help her to choose the right path in life. I see her going down a very hard road and I just want to help her stop and change course.

I have very conflicting emotions though. While I want to help her it's also so very hard because my emotions are all over the place with this situation that she has created our lives. I have a sense of betrayal, betrayal like I've never felt before. I feel violated. I know first hand how difficult it is to get over a betrayal of this magnitude and I know that it is beyond my ability but I am having such a hard time turning it over to Him.

Honestly I catch myself crying at odd times and have to leave the room. I can't concentrate. I'm in a bad place and I know it. I need to pull myself out of this place because I know where it leads and I don't want to do that to myself or my family.

What will I do? I will do what a good parent does and I will put my feelings aside and concentrate on my daughter. I will do whatever is necessary to help her get over these issues she is having. I'm just not sure right now what needs to happen to help her in the best way. I'll be calling our Pastor soon but other than that I'm just grasping at straws here.